just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
