Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
