haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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