you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
