just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
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Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.