She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have poison ivy on my dick
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(