Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Randomize
