last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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