i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She said her name was "party"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
