I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
