She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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