You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
