Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
