This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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