At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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