hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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