this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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