Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
