I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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