I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
