Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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