The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
