Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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