Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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