I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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