you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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