Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Mom said you looked used
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
