Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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