just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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