I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I think my moral compass just broke
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
