Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
