Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
