So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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