Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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