she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
