please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
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