my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
