last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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