i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
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Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
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so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
this is an emotional support booty call
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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