my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
