You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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