well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
