umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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