I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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