I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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