Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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