He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
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He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
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I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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