You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
