I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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