i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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