Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Randomize
