The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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