Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the day after is always just damage control
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
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I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
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Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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