I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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