Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
