the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
