I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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