my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
