I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
