On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
