theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
